Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
