on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
