I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
