If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
