Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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