i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
