Your face is a jimmy john
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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