She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
