im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
