I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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