We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
