Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
