Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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