Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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