will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
me + whiskey = a bad person
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
