Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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