I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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