I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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