It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
