That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
