I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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