I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
