Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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