So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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