I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
