My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
