You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
