when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
