Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Someone came in the potted fern
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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