i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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