Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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