Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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