i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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