Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
