There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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