Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
