So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize