Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
