I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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