She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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