Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
