i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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