she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I lost the right to judge tonight
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Couch. On fire.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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