I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
