You really coming over, don't trick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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