Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
