i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
