watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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