I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
