i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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