I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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