Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
