Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
