Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
