I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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