I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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