The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
